I Didn't Play With Barbies And Other Reasons I'm Not Cool

2005-09-18T18:58:00.000-07:00

I just realized the extent of the lameness of that last post. But I'm not going to delete it. Oh no. That would be doing all of you a disservice. I'm just going to let it float in cyberspace as a reminder of what can happen if you listen to The Cure's "Pictures of You" on loop.
...so how about that Kanye West? Thats what the kids are listening to, yes?

Best Week Ever Live came to UMC Friday. I think I have a crush on Paul Scheer. And I got to see him in person.

I know you're all jealous.

Becoming Carrie Bradshaw

2005-09-10T18:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, like most women, I want to be Carrie Bradshaw. I mean, its like, my ultimate dream.
I want to come home to my New York apartment everynight, curl up on the couch with my laptop, and write. For a living. The only problem is that I lack material. I don't have a Mr. Big. Now personally, I would have went John Corbett. Because Corbett is fucking hot. But the fact remains the same, I'm just too single.
Carrie spent a lot of time being single as well. But at least she had prospects. An elaborate rendezvous here, a one night stand there. Each leading her to write another brilliant revelation about relationships, or just outright sex, that every woman in New York related to. In turn ensuring her salary, allowing her to buy one more pair of Manolos, which she wore on her next date with Big. A perfect cycle. Thus is Carrie Bradshaw's life.
Me? No perfect cycle in this life. I would have to write something other than a sex column. It would most likely be boring and no one would read it. And so there I would be, alone and Big-less in the city.
I've never not been single. My friends have all had boyfriends, sexual misadventures. Me, not so much. Okay, not at all.
Once you've been single for so long, there comes a point when your friends stop being considerate in discussing your situation. They just become your own personal e-harmony. I recall when my friend Hannah began dating a fellow employee at Taco Bell and wanted to set me up on a date with his friend, also an employee at Taco Bell. She described him as "dinky," which, to me, meant that he was either small in stature or kind of a dumbass. Hannah explained that it was the latter, but that he was really nice.
I politely declined her offer. Not because of any fucked up standards I have, but because I didn't want to spend the night making small talk with someone I had virtually nothing in common with. Making small talk is probably the basis of my relationship problems. I could never take the initiative and simply ask someone out. I find myself intrigued by those who can.
But what would Carrie have done? Would she have went out with this man? Possibly. It would depend on whether he was good in bed. They probably would have skipped dinner (his minimum wage salary couldn't afford a New York restaurant) and went straight to her apartment to spoon.
I had no intention of spooning. I doubt we would have engaged in a lifelong relationship or a torrid affair. But what would have been the harm in going out once? What is common knowledge to most, has taken me 18 years to discover. Sometimes, you just gotta date. I've been waiting for this perfect geek with a great sense of humor to find me, when maybe I have to find him. Or maybe this guy I have in mind doesn't exist. Maybe he's someone completely different. Maybe my standards are fucked up. After all, Mr. Big was very flawed.
I haven't quite perfected the art of being Carrie Bradshaw. I'm sure it's something that takes many years to master. Perhaps its the search that shapes us; a string of bad dates, a heartbreak... creating our own perfect cycle. Only then can we appreciate, or identify, exactly what we've found.
Until then, I'm on a search for my version of Mr. Big, whoever he may be. And, just to put it out there, I'm available.

2005-08-29T18:21:00.000-07:00

Napolean Dynomite is really just a low grade Butthead from Beavis and Butthead. Think about it.

You Make My Motor Run, My Motor Run

2005-08-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

Today is the one year anniversary of my first post. To celebrate its birthday, my blog went out to get smashed and do several kareoke versions of "My Sharona." Its been a good year. We still haven't risen above three readers, but we're always optimistic.
Oooh, my little pretty one...pretty one...

2005-08-06T21:55:00.000-07:00

I went shopping this weekend. There's nothing like shopping to remind me why exactly I so avidly despise shopping. And malls. I didn't want to believe that I hated shopping because I was still desperately grasping to the idea that I was Cher Horowitz. When in fact, I am not. Nor will I ever be.
This is partially because as a child, clothes shopping meant following behind my father while he picked out shorts that Denise Huxtable rejected because they were, quote, "too eighties." And so I trudge to school in these abominations that my parents called outfits, whether it be the shorts, floral vests (vests!), or a pink floppy hat that my mother made. Yes, I was that kid. Everyone knows that kid.
The older I got, the worse it became. There was a point in my life when I thought it was acceptable to wear overalls. Plaid ones. And everyday of 10th grade I insisted on wearing sparkly tie belts and an ever-present metallic green "clippie," (def: clippie, noun, women's hair accessory used to pull back hair in unattractive manner, the evil second cousin of the scrunchie, sets forth illusion that hair is being suppressed by the claw of an alien life form) Oh, it wasn't pretty.
Now that my fashion sense has improved (slightly), my problem lies not with the clothes that I own, but with the clothes they are selling at the mall. Such as lo-rise hip huggers. Just when I thought they had gone the way of the stirrup pants. I will never in a million years get those things over my hips, and even if I did they would create this... waist cleavage which is, to say the least, never good.
But I haven't even gotten to the worst part. The stores. The stores! With their stereos blasting Black Eyed Peas music and their half naked buff manequins propped up against a surf board. There isn't a beach within a hundred miles,Buffy McBuff. Maybe if we ignore her, the person with the ginormous ass, will just. go. away. And I do. Past the store of elitist employees who express their angst by wearing an array of paperclips on their clothing. I don't dare go in there because I haven't listened to enough Sum 41 that day. Or ever.
And then, like a beacon in the night, Old Navy. Sure, you become a walking paradody of those "superskirt, superskirt...superflirty!" commercials. But look, real people sizes. Enjoy your shopping experience and don't forget to pick up your free t-shirt on the way out. Thank you and goodnight.

2005-08-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

How sad and pathetic are you if you find yourself in hysterics over the end of You've Got Mail? I was just sitting there minding my business, having a perfectly normal day, not one in which included turning into a blubbering mess of estrogen. Then, what happened? I'll tell you what happened. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan happened. And there was magic. And I start to think things like, why can't I find a Joe Fox?
It was at that moment I knew I had hit rock bottom.
I need to start watching movies with more guns. And aliens. But I'll probably just watch Beaches instead.

And I Thought I Was A Huge Daily Show Fan...

2005-07-27T00:25:00.000-07:00

[www.bringbackthecouch.blogspot.com]
I too was saddened by the set change. The large, round table without the couch seems so uninviting and stiff. Similiar to, oh I don't know, Crossfire.
We know how Jon feels about that.

Like A Pregnant Britney Spears, Living the Dream

2005-07-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

I have a little less than a month before I leaving for the land of drunken frat parties.
This? Is an interesting time. Advice is spouted towards me, right and left. In my family, its anything from "stay focused on school" to "use protection." Thanks, but I caught this all on an afterschool special on the N. Degrassi Junior High prepared me for life.
On a positive note, you get a lot of stuff. I got an aweseome cordless vac and a lifetime supply of Cheezums and Laundry Detergent. And a pink nightgown thats not a muumuu not yet a tube dress and makes me feel like a barefoot and pregnant Britney Spears at a truckstop. I really like it. On top of it all, college scares the hell out of me. I don't know what I'm doing with my future. On one hand, I want to major in journalism. On the other, I always wanted to hand out individual sausage samples on toothpicks at an A&P grocery. I could have my. own. booth. I'm going to make everyone so proud.

The Joys Of Being Unemployed

2005-07-25T22:09:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I was formerly employed at the local Chinese restaurant, also known as the reason Bobbie is an overwieght slob in need of heavy Richard Simmons cardio. While I do miss crab randgoon and lo mein noodles, being sans occupation has given me plenty of free time to enjoy being a young, single woman. Time to socialize. Time to live the life.
Time to freebase Reese's Peanut Butter cups and memorize the movie Get Over It starring Kirsten Dunst and Sisqo of "Thong Song" fame.
This is what I've become.
Anna and I finally ventured out of our respective houses to go to the mall and my demigod, fye. I bought O by Damien Rice and the movie Orange County.
Get Over It wasn't in stock. I checked.
Tomorrow, I'm getting a life.
Or maybe just a little crab randgoon.

I Heart Lists

2005-07-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when you're unemployed. You spend all day making a list of your favorite songs. You can marvel over my awesome taste, but it doesn't change the fact that I own a Yellowcard CD. It's true.

1"Shelter From the Storm" Bob Dylan
2"Brass In Pocket" The Pretenders
3"Top Of the World" Patty Griffin
4"Imagine" John Lennon
5"Right In Time" Lucinda Williams
6"The Blower's Daughter" Damien Rice
7"Saint Simon" The Shins
8"Both Sides Now" Joni Mitchell
9"Hallelujah" Jeff Buckley
10"Beast Of Burden" Rolling Stones
11"Don't Look Back In Anger" Oasis
12"September Baby" Joseph Arthur
13"Chances Are" Bob Seger
14"High and Dry" Radiohead
15"Portions For Foxes" Rilo Kiley
16"Lose You" Pete Yorn
17"Cannonball" Damien Rice
18"All These Things That I Have Done" The Killers
19"Like A Prayer" Madonna
20"The Only Living Boy In New York" Simon and Garfunkel
21"All I Really Wanna Do" Bob Dylan
22"California" Rufus Wainwright
23"With Or Without You" U2
24"Melt With You" Modern English
25"In Your Eyes" Peter Gabriel
26 "Pictures of You" The Cure
27"The View" Modest Mouse
28 "Hide and Seek" Imogen Heap
29 "Exit Music for a Film" Radiohead
30"Secret Garden" Bruce Springsteen

Random Thoughts

2005-06-02T23:37:00.000-07:00

1) I really wish Rock and Roll Jeopardy was still on.
2) I'm just realizing that "Chances Are" by Bob Seger is pretty much my favorite song. Shut up.
3) I don't think I'll ever understand fanny packs. Ever.

Shameless Self Promotion 101

2005-05-03T18:19:00.000-07:00

www.fakeplasticboobs.blogspot.com
Mare and I created an entertainment blog a while back. It talks of nothing of great relevance and we have abominable grammer. But, at the end of the day you'll know that Britney Spears likes Pablo Honey and that? should help you sleep at night.

Schizo-Rebuttal:The Act of Rebutting Your Own Post

2005-04-23T22:19:00.000-07:00

"The Guy" sucks.
Even though I've never met him, I hate what he represents.
I hate when someone seems perfect from a distance and you start acting stupid, like, say, dedicating posts to them and doing everything short of writing their name all swirly in your notebook.
They seem very nice. And approachable. You think you can just introduce yourself and the next thing you know he's burning you a CD of his favorite songs and your signing your names on each others Converse All Stars. Or something.
Then you find out he's a whiney ass. But thankfully before you have the misfortune of meeting him.
And then? You are extremely dissapointed and go to Denny's and mope over your Philly Melt.
And feel like a complete moron.
I loathe you 'Guy,' I loathe you.

Because You Missed Me

2005-04-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in a while. I usually hate when people say that.
It seems so presumptuous. As if someone has been checking your blog everyday, breaking out in hives and profusely sweating, waiting to hear the next random misadventure in your life.
I'm the only freak that does that.
And its usually people I don't even know. Today, I read the entire www.meltingdolls.com archive. I don't even know why. I think I was just bored. And its hilarious.
In the process, I discovered this: www.stuckinrehabwithpatobrien.blogspot.com
As a side note,do not read any of that while you are comsuming liquid. You will spew.

Today was a sad day. Seriously. Nothing good came of this day.
Except for the Pat O'Brien blog.
My Spanish teacher is going through one of his phases in which he actually wants to teach, or "assign." Which is basically being able to claim the act of teaching in the technical sense, while playing "Diamond Mine" for an hour. This is why he is brilliant.
So now I'm doing a powerpoint on Venezuela.
I've never done a powerpoint in my living life.
I'm freaking screwed.
He did let us go to the computer lab for the hour. Which gives me an hour of liesure to read Gawker and Fametracker. Only I couldn't because I hadn't finished my Teen Newsweek for Current Events, which usually isn't a problem because I love Teen Newsweek. But only if I have time to savor it. In Current Events I had to write an essay I barely studied for.
To top it off, we started "Pygmalion" in English 4, and I didn't get to read Eliza Doolittle even though my English accent is superb.

Oh, and Hannah made me meet a new online person. Again. The last one was a perky, red headed cheerleader. She drove me to the brink of insanity. Even her messenger names made me crazy. They were a mile long and expressed in detail any Joey Potter-esque teen angst she was feeling that day. I deleted her.
This guy resembles John Popper from Blues Traveler. Nice guy though.

See, today sucked. Thank God for Pat O'Brien.

Things I Learned Today
1) Like me, George Bernard Shaw dislikes apostrophes.
2) I need to work on spelling presumptuous.
3) No one else appreciates my impressions.

The Guy

2005-03-25T17:49:00.000-08:00

First of all, I'd like to take a moment to announce the end of the trend: Napoleon Dynamite.
I wanted to see this movie when I first saw it advertise. I find dumb stuff funny for no apparent reason. Like when I found out that Hannah works at KFC with a guy named Bucket. Bwah! Bucket! Like those buckets of chicken you get! And then I spewed Mountain Dew from my nose. So I find someone feeding a lama a large ham funny. Anyway, I watched the movie. And you know what? It wasn't the next Citizen Kane. It was completely lacking of a plot. It was unapologetically... dumb. And I loved it.
However, the Napoleon quoting must stop.
I came to this realization after going to the Beta convention last weekend. Six out of the 15 campaign skits had a dancing Napoleon and an equal number of candidates tried to drop Napoleon quotes into their speeches. Exactly what "building a cake" has to do with being a successful Beta State President I will never know.
And so...I now declare the following to be utterly unacceptable behavior:
adding "gosh" to every statement you make, adding "dang," "freakin," or "freaking idiot" to everything you say, and using "infinity" in replace of several, a lot, or many.
note: Deb quotes and the phrase "butt-load" are still acceptable. And the Napoleon dance is still funny if done right.
We had a great time at convention. Only one of the candidates using a dancing Napoleon won. And I did not vote for her. Mare and I supported "Dan the Man," the reigning state president, who had an entirely 80's themed campaign speech and skit. And, I became more enamored with my "Seth." ( I swear this isn't just another Adam Brody fanwank as I'm sure those are getting redundant. )
I first noticed him at district history day, my first experience with the contest since the horrific History Day event of 1998. Shudder. I'll explain another day.
This year went considerably better. I won second place in the Senior Paper division. And The Guy won first place in Senior Individual Exhibit. I noticed him again on the 6:00 news that night when they interviewed him. However, I realized that it would probably be the last time I saw him aside from State competition, when everyone would be so stressed and out of their mind to talk. Also, I didn't know him. I had only noticed him, he hadn't noticed me. And as Mare says, that constitutes as stalking.
And then there he was at Beta convention. I passed him as I was stomping off to my room, ticked off because I didn't want to take the Creative Writing exam that was in a half hour because I hate being forced to write within a set amount of time, and I don't know what I'm going to write about and blah, blah, blah.
Guess who is in my creative writing test.
The Guy.
He was wearing his school jacket so using my genius, Dana Scully, investigative skills I could determine his last name. God. I am a stalker. But at least now I don't have to keep calling him The Guy. Except, I'm going to. Just because I like it.
Later that night I saw him in a campaign, one of the few not using Napoleon Dynamite.
The next night I had to perform on stage in the special talent category. For those of you who don't know me. I play piano. I'm not that great by any means. But I enjoy it and can play a pretty mean rendition of Fur Elise, the staple for anyone who's ever played piano in their life. Blah. But I auditioned and got accepted to perform. And so did The Guy. A normal person would have introduced themself backstage. But being me, I just stood there in awe of his adorkableness, complete with curly hair and spazzy nervous habits.
He played the fiddle in a bluegrass quartet. And while that has never been my personal recipe for the man of my dreams, he was adorable and very good. They all were. They won second place in the competition. Even better, he won first place in creative writing.
Oh. my. God. Smart, cute and creative. I'm a sucker for a good writer. If I had actually met this guy, I think I would be in love. He surpasses Seth Cohen and goes into John Cusack from "Say Anything" range. And he can totally hold his giant boom box and blast "In Your Eyes" outside my window.
Now I have to stop before I get any creepier. I swear I'm not really a stalker. Really.

Dear Ashlee

2005-03-15T18:41:00.000-08:00

Ashlee,

You never write, you never call. I'm getting kind of worried about you. Look, I tried to help and you go and make a complete and total mockery out of my advice: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0434424/

Okay. I get it. If I'm not mistaken that tag is a reference to the SNL thing? Just a guess. I guess it kind of cute and endearing. And its cool that Princess Leia is in the movie. And the guy who played Kyle Chandler's friend on Early Edition. I loved him! But, ehh, Ashlee, when I suggested that you act I didn't mean for you to play a sing--eh, you know what, it doesn't matter. No really. Don't be upset.
Do you want to talk about it?
Pull up a chair.
Is it Cabrerra? Because you could do better. And could you tell him that his hair looks strangely like that guy from Teen Wolf?
Is it your dad? He seems like he could be a little overbearing. What with the "sing, my pretties, sing!" attitude, when all he really does is play golf with Nick all day. I mean, thats not right Ash. I'm calling you Ash okay? You can call me Bob. Do you want to be friends? You look like you could use a friend.
Since you seem to be so keen on taking my advice I've compiled a short list of things for you to do:

1) Fire your PR people:

"Ok look not everyone has to like Ashlee Simpson, I know plenty of ppl that don't but can't you ppl that don't like her just keep your opinions to yourself! You don't have to say bad things about someone just because of one mistake SNL made! It wasn't her fault!!"

Okay, Okay. I stole that from a message board. But blaming SNL is a unique alternative.

2) The next time Avril publicly disses you, slap her silly. There's nothing the people like more than a good celebrity catfight. Especially when directed towards Advil. Trust me. The American public would love you. Women and children would dance in the street. I would buy Autobriography and then actually listen to it. Fan. for. life. I'm telling you. I know she acts tough, but I've got a good 30 lbs. on her. Together we could take her.

Heh. In no way am I plotting against Avril Lavigne. Forget that. FORGET.

3) Remember your fans, Ash. They're out there.

"Since she's had so much struggle with SNL and the Orange Bowl, I sometimes wish I could show her how I feel by inviting her over. I know it probably won't happen, but it's fun to think about. I can picture us having fun together right now. I've always wanted to know, you wouldn't happen to know what her favorite food is? I wonder if she likes pizza, because we could have that. I'd be overly nice, and I'd let her sleep in....my room."

Yep. Message boards.

I'm touched.

I was so inspired that I wrote a haiku:

"Ashlee Simpson,

Caught lip syncing.

We'll find consolation in pizza.

Will this upset your acid reflux?"

I just want you to know, that guy took a lot of criticism for that comment. Maybe you could send him an autograph?

On second thought. Ew.

--Bob

Entertainment News Not Involving Tara Reid's Boobs

2005-03-13T16:05:00.000-08:00

Lets face it, celebrity boobs get a lot of attention. Poor Lohan. She didn't get any press until she started shaking her cans around. And she was so adorable in The Parent Trap. However, there are more pressing issues to discuss. Sorry kids.

American Idol. Yea. I watch it. You got a problem with that? But, you may ask, isn't it annoying that they insist on singing the same songs every season, or, if not the same songs, a variation of songs that sound the same? Isn't it sad that you actually have to hear Gloria Estefan's "Turning The Beat Around" more than once in your lifetime and the majority of those times come from this show? Isn't Ryan Seacrest kind of a tool even if he is an adorable tool with bleached blonde hair and a good spray on tan? Don't the people who win release some of the suckiest music, that or which makes your ears bleed, because they've sold their soul to the producers?
Yes.
But I still love it. And sometimes, when no one is watching, I get a little teary eyed when someone gets kicked off of the show and left only with a part time job as a clerk at Blockbuster and whatever is left of their broken dreams. And I get a little emotional when the winner of the competition is singing through his/her sobs, choking out the last notes of their song, even though I know that the only thing waiting for them is a lifetime of Diane Warren ballads and appearances on ABC Holiday Specials while they silently wish that they could sing something that actually meant something to them and was able to move them and touch their audience in a way that Diane Warren cannot.
Or not, I don't know.
Anyway, this season I have three favorites. But the one that really has me pulling for her is Michaela Gordon. Everyone else thinks her voice grates and she's coasting on her personality. But I kind of like her voice. It's different and it may not always have the perfect pitch, or be "pleasant" by most standards. But if you think about it, some of the most beloved artists have had distinct voices that weren't at all "perfect". Bob Dylan comes to mind even though I've always liked his voice. Same with Janis Joplin. They had unconventiaonal, non cookie cutter voices.
Or maybe her voice really does grate and something is just wrong with my ears. But she reminds me of Fran Drescher so she has my vote.

Michelle Trachtenburg of "The Adventures of Pete and Pete" and "Harriet the Spy" fame is starring in the new movie "Ice Princess," obviously about figure skating. Given my fascination with figure skating and old Nickelodeon, I want to see it even though it looks like something fit for one of those "achieve your dreams" themed Disney Channel movies. Now, if Danny Tamberelli was starring in a movie, THAT, would be news.
I miss those Nick kids. Frequently, throughout my life I stop and wonder how and what Donkeylips is doing these days. Or Furgeson. I see Malissa Joan Hart mugging up on Celebrity Poker and what not. But Furgeson? For the love of God, he could be doing porn for all I know. And that would be really sad. Because those shows were a part of my childhood. And Nick shows today cannot compare.
For example: I'm fully convinced that "Doug" is the greatest cartoon or all time. You cannot change my mind. To me, it surpasses all others. Does "Spongebob" have "Quail Man?" Does "Rocket Power" have "The Beets?" Oh hell no. And the Honkerburger kicks the Crabby Patty's proverbial ass. Doug was an icon. He was a balding junior high kid who wasn't afraid to be sensitive and write in his journal every night. He was the ever faithful friend to a large blue kid who's full name was "Mosquito." And he loved Patty Mayonaisse with all his heart. I know a good number of people, myself included, who can still sing "Patty, You're the Mayonaisse For Me" in its entireity.
I would give my left kidney to see "Hey Dude" and "Are You Afraid of the Dark" on Nick at Nite. It's not like we need another channel to show "Full House" and "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."

Little Known Facts About Me

2005-02-28T16:58:00.000-08:00

Someone once told me I was an enigma. Thats no longer the case now that I reveal personal information about myself on the internet. Nevertheless, I'm including all of the embarassing things I've done and all of my guilty pleasures just to make you feel better about yourselves.

1) I idolize pre-Kabbalah Madonna. I have her "Immaculate Collection" CD and even dressed like her for Halloween. I get really annoyed when people sing her songs wrong. I'm lookin' at you, Spears.
2) My favorite 80's song is "Like A Prayer" by none other than Madonna although "With Or Without You" by U2, comes in at a close second.
3) I have a deep love for Mandy Moore. I've seen every Mandy Moore movie to date and even listen to some of her music. Seriously. I'm Mandy Moore's bitch.
4) I'm named after both my mom and dad. I used to resent them for giving me the most "redneck" name they could possibly conjure up. But then I heard Bruce Springsteen's "Bobbie Jean" and it wasn't so bad.
5) I was a huge X- files fan from 5th grade and throughout junior high, complete with alien memorabilia. You know that "I Want To Believe" poster Mulder had? I still want that.
6) When I was little I wanted to be a figure skater and dreamt about meeting Oksana Baul.
7) If my plans to be a journalist don't work out, I want to be a Kindergarten teacher.
8) I can do kickass impressions of Cher and Alanis Morissette.
9) I almost got a concussion when I was seven after I got hit in the head with a large piece of farm equipment that, ironically, I can't remember the name of now. Shut up. It didn't cause permanent damage.
10) I tend to cry at happy things more often than sad.
11) Every so often I become obsessed with something new in entertainment. Currently its cult tv shows.
12) I talk to (and about) myself. A lot.
13) I despise talking on the phone.
14) I am deathly afraid of birds.
15) Most of my friends wouldn't believe me, but I grew up extremely shy. The greater majority of my relatives didn't hear me speak until I was in the latter stages of elementary school. I'm still very shy around a lot of people.
16) This week, my favorite song is "Trouble Sleeping" by the Perishers.
17) I take that back. Its "We Used To Be Friends" by the Dandy Warhols.
18) I'm extremely indecisive.
19) I heart crossword puzzles.
20) I love to watch old episodes of Match Game on Game Show Network. Especially if Brett Somers is on it.

Now you can tell me some things about yourself. Include your favorite 80's songs if you wish. I want responses, dammit.

ACT: Test from Hell

2005-02-12T16:06:00.000-08:00

Remember that episode of Full House where DJ has to take her college entrance examination? She's so nervous about taking the test that she stays up until midnight studying and then falls asleep on top of her books. Cue dream sequence. The remainder of the episode takes you into her dream, or nightmare rather. She arrives to school late, only to find out that she has number #1 pencils instead of the necassary #2. She ends up not being able to complete the test and the class taunts her about having to go to a clown college. Oh, and Vannah White was her teacher although I never understood why.
I always think about that episode when someone mentions the ACT. Note: I watched way to much television as a child. (Does anyone else think of Stephanie Tanner's band when they hear that Ace of Base song, "The Sign?" No? It's just me then? Okay.)
The first two times I've taken the test weren't horrible. Today, well today was the ACT horror story to end all ACT horror stories.
I've always taken the test at NMCC. I don't really know why I started taking it there because I don't know the school at all. But someone told me that most of the Malden students were obnoxious punks so I just stuck with it. I got there on time but I couldn't find where to go in. It seemed that they had moved to another testing site and I fear change. I walked around for a little while trying to find the entrance but finally just gave up. I drove around to the back of the school. There it was. But I couldn't find a place to park. Without looking I put my car into reverse.
Thats when I hit it.
You know how when you do something really terrible you kind of close your eyes for a few seconds hoping that whatever just happened will voluntarily erase itself from ever happening? I did that for like, two minutes before I looked up and saw that I had bumped into the front of some dude's car.
I get out of the car and start appologizing profusely for the damage I thought I had just caused. Thankfully, his car was fine. And so was the owner if I remember correctly although I was really too shaken up to fully notice males. He was very nice about the whole incident, even though it was obviously my fault. On the other hand, my car hitting his is kind of like Liza Minelli beating up on David Guest, they're both kind of weak and ugly so no one seems to mind. I still felt bad though.
And I still had to go take a four hour test as if I hadn't just caused a potentially dangerous accident.
Take that DJ Tanner.

"I mean, you're better than that Corky kid and he's actually retarded. If there was a retarded Oscar you would win, hands down, kick his ass!" -- Natalie Portman in "Garden State"

Entertainment Update: More Entertaining Than People, Less Credibility Than Us Weekly

2005-01-30T19:26:00.000-08:00

T.V.
Marissa Cooper (portrayed by Mischa Barton) will be questioning her sexuality in upcoming episodes of The O.C. More importantly, Mischa Barton is the most ginormous ball of suck that I have ever had the misfortune of watching. Unfortunately, I don't think any of you saw my third grade performance in Babushka. But trust me when I say I acted circles around Mischa Barton.
I hate that she gets all of the press from this show. Peter Gallagher's eyebrows alone deserve more press than she does.

Music
My love for The Killers has slightly diminished after reading that Brandon Flowers is something of an ass. Why?! He's ever so pretty in his eyeliner. Are there no quiet, sweet, sensitive artists left? Eyeliner optional. I suppose he can still be my pretend rock star boyfriend because I like his pretty suits. And he dances well.

Movies
With all the so called horror flicks coming out its difficult to keep them all straight. I'm here to help.
Alone In the Dark: Tara Ried fights evil with her massive breasts. Or she plays an "anthropologist".
Boogeyman: Sony Pictures says "A man revisits horrific memories from his past.." but all I think of when I see this is the guy who played Matt Camden on 7th Heaven. So by the end of this movie I expect all of our problems to be resolved and for us all to have learned a valuable lesson.
White Noise: I want to see this one. I really do think it looks scary-- at least scarier than the Tara Ried boob movie--and I kind of feel bad for Michael Keaton. I mean, he hasn't had a role in like, 10 years, and I always thought he was the best to ever play Batman. In your face, Clooney.

Open Letter To Ashlee Simpson

2005-01-13T20:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Ashlee:

Stop. For the love of GOD. Just stop.

Its not that you don't have talent. Okay. It is. I just feel that I should bestow upon you a few words of wisdom. Because I like ya, kid. Just not your voice. I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
Last summer you came out with a sweet little song about young, innocent love. It was cheesy, but then I always had a secret love for cheesy songs. Damn Vitamin C.
I watched your show on MTV. I sympathized when you thought ugly hair Cabrerra didn't get you anything for Valentine's Day and when your mom said you looked like a boy on the set of that Pizza Hut commercial. I wept for you Ashlee Simpson.
Then you came out with this song about how your parents loved Jessica more. And suddenly you're more angsty than a "My So Called Life" marathon. Whats that? She's wearing black fingernail polish!! She died her hair!!!Edgy!! You starred on 7th Heaven.
This would all be fine, except for the fact that you sing about as well as I do. And I can carry a tune as long as its in a fairly large bucket with a sturdy handle. Translation: I wouldn't be able to sing live.
Which brings us to the infamous SNL performance that had many of us asking "Why Ashley, Why?" Why take the risk of getting caught and embarassed in front of God and Jude Law and everybody? Why do that ridiculous Irish jig?
Then came the criticism. But mainly just from Elton John. And Edgy!Avril Lavigne (ugh. Shut up Lavigne.) And then pretty much every late night talk show host on public and cable television.
I must admit. You handled it fairly well. But did you think that a couple of TRL appearances with you jesting about the debacle would make it all go away? Oh, Ashlee. Thou art naive. Two words: Orange Bowl. and. Ouch. Make that three words. Ashlee, that was a reaction akin only to Roseanne Barr's rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner." And that wasn't pretty.
Here's what you need to do and don't take this the wrong way: find another profession. I don't care what. Act. Write a book. Just take some serious time off. Maybe come back a few years later with a new, mellowed album. Nothing involving la-la-ing on a kitchen floor. You know what I'm saying? I'm thinking it could be big. Because didn't you want to rent Gigli just to see if it was as horrible as you had heard? Yeah. That's what I thought.
Just something to think about. Glad to be of help.

Gender Stereotypes in the Classroom

2005-01-13T20:14:00.000-08:00

I recently overheard this conversation in my cadet class.

girl 1: Lets watch "Cheetah Girls."
boy: Who wants to watch a movie about girls? ( This will undoubtedly change in about 6 years when he's ordering "Girls Gone Wild 6" on Pay Per View.)
girl 2: Me! I love "Cheetah Girls!" The boys can watch G.I. Joe or something.
boy 2: That's G.I. Joe: Vigor vs. Valor, thank you very much.

Kids say the darndest things.

Pop Culture How I Love Thee...

2005-01-05T21:02:00.000-08:00

http://www.fametracker.com/2_stars_1_slot/brody_hanks.shtml

Ahem. My lover.

If You're Gonna Sweat the Small Stuff, Wear Deodorant

2005-01-04T15:49:00.000-08:00

Last year Mrs. C had us create advice books for English 3. I enjoyed this way too much. The following is some of the advice that I included in the book along with some things I've learned since.

Never do anything once featured on a Lifetime movie.
Drink a Mountain Dew everyday.
Embrace your dorkiness. Sing R.E.M at the top of your lungs.
Take time to look at the stars.
Daydream during studyhall.
Learn to play an instrument. Even if its the kazoo.
Don't stare at the sun during a solar eclipse.
Don't worry about what you wear. Twenty years from now you'll look back at photos and realize everyone looked equally lame.
When you're feeling down sing the Barenaked Ladies song "One Week." It will instantly lighten the mood.
Do something outrageous. If only just once.
Live by "Ferris Buellers Day Off."
Find good friends who will take time out of their busy lives to play "Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon" with you.
Don't marry anyone who wouldn't give you the window seat.
Talk to strangers.
Keep your mind open.
Throw away all of your preconceived notions about people.
Watch John Hughes movies on a regular basis.
Don't regret.
Contrary to popular belief, not all of your life goals have to be accomplished before you turn 30.

Ryan Seacrest and Global Warming: Its Going To Be A Good Year

2005-01-02T20:27:00.000-08:00

Reasons Why This Will Be A Good Year
1)I usually spend New Years Eve watching Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years. Which sucks. This year it was Ryan Seacrest, who, although still a tool, sucks slightly less.This has to mean something.

2)I followed this up by watching "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" with Mare and Stacy. It is absolutely the most terrifying and disturbing movie I have ever seen. I can't get into my car without looking in the backseat for Leatherface. Paranoia. What better way to ring in the New Year?

3)Our weather is beautiful. This probably means the hole in the ozone layer has been enlarged even further, due to the copious amounts of Aquanet I used to get my hair big for 80's day. You can thank me later.

4)In honor of the dawning of a new year, Star 92.9 is having a flashback weekend. That means all 80's and early 90's all weekend. I find the B-52's and Kylie Minogue's version of The Locomotion" to be inspiring.

I love 2005 already.

California Dreamin' On A Snow Blizzard Day

2004-12-23T21:48:00.000-08:00

I went to work Wednsday. The day of the Great Blizzard of 2004. At least that's what I'm calling it...or will call it when I tell my grandchildren. I have a feeling that I'm going to be one of those annoying old people who insist on sharing stories from back in the day. Judging by my current love of nostalgic Vh1 shows and scrapbooking I can only imagine that it will be ten times worse when I'm in my geriatric state. Anyway, I kept hoping that my boss would call me telling me not to bother coming in. But the amount of devotion Maldenians have for their Americanized Oriential food is undeniable. It could be Armeggedon- and I would still get orders for randgoon and General Tso's.
I did, however, get to leave early. My mother insisted on driving me home which was understandable because I really can't drive as it is.
Apparently bad driving is an inherited trait because my mom and I ended up in a ditch somewhere along the highway.
My aunt and uncle came out to help us but they couldn't make it to Anna's house, where we were going to stay. Thankfully there was a nice man who stopped right behind them to check on us. He was already on his way south and agreed to take us through town. One thing you have to know about me -- I'm something of a hopeless romantic... especially around the holidays. It comes from seeing that Lifetime movie "The Christmas Romance" way to many times. So, rather than thinking "Wow. We're about to get used and abused on the side of this highway," I was thinking "Hey- this guy seems really great for my mom." And he did. He even mentioned that he was a divorcee. He just seemed like a genuinely sweet guy. He probably wouldn't even mind her excessive conservatism or Johnny Depp obsession. It could have been a Christmas miracle taking place right there in that Yukon. Whenever I suggested this to my mom she said he was too young. Personally, I think she could go Demi Moore on his ass and give him a ring anyway. No one ever takes my advice.

Other good things that have happened aside from gettting stuck in snow drifts:
I finally got 'The O.C' DVD! There's just something about Orange County parties and hearing someone say "fresh margs" that just puts me in the Christmas spirit. And along with his recurring role as Dave Rygalski on The Gilmore Girls, that, my friends, is a whole lot of Brody viewing this holiday season.

When Procrastination Has Lost Its Fun

2004-12-17T22:18:00.000-08:00

My term paper for English 4 was due today. In typical Bobbie fashion I waited until the day it was due to finish it. We got out of school at 12 so that left 3 hours to write the last two pages and site the entire paper. It was like a deranged version of "Beat the Clock." And I didn't. What was so frustrating was that I could have made it if it wasn't for my printer which devoured the first two papers outlining the significance of "The Feminine Mystique."
This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't completely void of disks. So Anna, being the undyingly faithful friend that she is brings me a floppy. A pretty bright pink one actually.
I race to the school, going 90 to nothing, which is unusual for me since I normally drive like Miss Daisy to avoid involuntary manslaugher of puppies and little furry rodents.
I get to the school and Melanie, my English 4 teacher and cousin, had already left for the basketball game. I wasn't surprised since it was 3:15 and the paper was due at 3:00.
Murphy was still in his room however. I love Murphy --but he still scares the bejesus out of me sometimes. But only because I really respect him and don't want to look like a moron in front of him. Which I normally do. Like once during test review, when I said Jason Giambi was a philosopher. Genius.
Murphy and I discover that the disk won't transfer onto his computer. Probably because my computer is older than the Rosetta Stone. But Murphy is still my hero in old man sweaters and Dr. Scholls for trying.
Then K.Lo comes in trying to help. I'm surprised he didn't harass me about not having my majorette uniform in. He did , however, harass me about using Microsoft Works which is apparently the devil. Needless to say it wouldn't work on any of the computers. It was 3:45 and I was still reportless.
I finally got my report to print at home,two hours after it was due. I'm going to take it to Melanie's house tomorrow.
Most importantly, after having my first nervous breakdown I may have learned a lesson about procrastination. Or maybe not. I'll tell you later.

The Mis-Education of Bobbie: A Timeline

2004-12-13T15:22:00.000-08:00

1993: enrolled in Kindergarten at Risco Elementary. There is really nothing to say about this year...we are pretty much equals. We take naps simultaneously on rugs in the floor and have people peel our oranges at lunch. Actually, I still need someone to peel my oranges at lunch.
1996: Third Grade - my best friend Tara H. moved away. We used to sit on the 'spider' on the playground and discuss "Home Improvement." She was the first person my age I had ever heard say "breasts" and once told me a joke about a hairy butt crack. She was so cool. After this I started hanging out with the third grade equivalent of the tough crowd. I got my first paddling for writing a note with cuss words in it. Which I still say is unjust. Anyway, the school administration would use this incident to argue in favor of corporal punishment because I've never been in trouble at school since. I would disagree. But, whatever.
1997: Fourth Grade - I remember we had a school dance that year. We were given the recess to find a date before they were assigned to us. Just when the cute boy in the desk behind me was about to make his move Mrs. W. busts up in the classroom telling me I'm going with Tyler. Talk about unjust. This was the beginning of my relationship problems.
2000: Junior high - I was a truly offensive looking kid. I had buck teeth, bushy eyebrows, a bad haircut and a horrible fashion sense. The fashion thing has changed. Although some may disagree, I happen to think I've got wicked style. I could be in Vogue. If I resorted to a diet of water and Metrecal.
It was during this time that I developed a crush on Jordan from my class. Of course, he wasn't feeling it. I did have buck teeth and bushy eyebrows. Then he moved away.
It was also during this time that I met one of my best friends, Hannah. She was able to save me from fierce persecution from the more elite among Junior High students by being as big of a loser as me. We authored wierd stories and ate lunch alone. For that I will always love her.
2001: we met Anna (another of my best friends who I am actually going to college with) and became the unstoppable trio of dorks. We shared everything together and bonded over a hatred of physical education.
2003: Tenth Grade - I take a creative writing class and fall for the offbeat guy in the back of the class making snide yet witty remarks about high school, the government, Mrs. M.'s voice and just about anything else he could think of. Although everyone already knows, I'll withold names for the protection of the innocent (or possibly easily embarassed). In the end it didn't work out. I suppose neither one of us really felt comfortable in showing the other who we really were. So we're just friends. Great guy though. Wrote a damn good opinion column for that creative writing class too.
2004: I'm still a geek, probably always will be. I'll probably never really fit in with everyone. I'll probably never walk as a homecoming candidate. I'll never be considered one of the token 'hot' girls at school. But it honestly doesn't bother me. And I'm not saying that in a 'screw conformity' kind of way. I am a conformist. There are times when we all try to fit in. But I love my life. I'm happy with who I am. I have a great group of friends that crack me up ( especially Mare...our freshie and one of my favorite people in the world). Its like for the first time we all understand who we are. Plus, we'll never have to eat lunch alone.

"You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal... Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club."

I Want Your Tech, Baby

2004-12-11T14:00:00.000-08:00

I may have found my Seth Cohen, a slightly shorter more gentile version of the original, but very adorkable indeed. He was a young tech guy working on the computers and was in our Mythology and English 4 class on Friday. The whole crew thought he was cute and we all went in to Melanie's room freaking out about him being in our presence. Because, lets face it, there aren't a whole lot of Risconian men of the cute nerd variety. But he did seem very nice. I need a nerd. I like a guy who looks like he'd whisper sweet nothings my ear, but while using really large words that I may or may not understand. Plus, I liked his specks.
Hopefully, the computer system will shut down more often....oh right, that shouldn't be a problem.

"...you are the Danny Tamborelli to my...uhh...other Pete." --Me

Confessions of a (Semi) Bilingual Waitress

2004-12-08T19:20:00.000-08:00

I work at a cross-cultural restaurant, Chinese owners, Chinese and Mexican cooks, and American waitresses. No seriously. And it works better than you'd think. Anyway, I've become inspired to actually pay attention to Graves en la clase de espanol. I need to know what Senor Tellanovella is saying to me back in the kitchen when he's being all stalkery and stuff. My manager says he's kind of weird and always stares at girls. Excellent. And not all sexually harassing.
Its really kind of ironic considering the rumor my mythology class was starting about my having an elicit affair with an oriental man at work (General Tso) never caught on. Kind of disappointing actually. And now I have a Tellanovella on my hands.
Me vida es muy malo.

Obscure Thoughts of the Day

2004-12-06T18:05:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed that on "The Swan" they always give the women breast implants? Did you ever notice that the surgeons are always male?

Also... If I had a punk rock/emo band I would call it "Free Winona." Although I think I would be more suited for 8O's glam-rock, It is a darn good name and makes me want a band. Who's with me? Now...before you sign up you should know that I can't really play guitar or sing. I do however have an appreciation for sparkly sequined jumpers and Aquanet.

That is all.

"I can say 'I want to lick Grissom' in three different languages."--Mare

Two Geeks, A Freak, and a Mexican Place

2004-12-04T22:05:00.000-08:00

I just got back from our birthday expedition (Happy 17th Han) to the Bluff. We went to Maya's to eat, then to Hastings where Mare purchased the greatest birthday president ever...a classic VHS edition of Wayne's World. Party on. Plus, I saw a box set with the entire series of Freaks and Geeks, and pretty much told the entire store about it in my excitement. At which point, this Hastings employee, with this long stringy hair, turns to me and says, "tsia, thats a good show." Rock on dude, like your Michael Bolton hair. And then I'm all like, "totally! I love that show!" I really have no idea why i'm posting this. I guess you just had to be there, but I think I could bond with this guy. Not in a romantic way, but more like on Sling Blade when Billy Bob Thorton plays that weird guy who likes mustard and biscuits and befriends that little kid. Yeah.
Mare and I spent the rest of the evening embarassing Anna and Hannah by chasing them with an air horn in Walmart parking lot. What can I say, we embrace our inner geekness.

HOLY CRAP, I love T.V Guide. And have recieved new O.C news. It is slightly dissapointing however. They are never going to reveal Summers evil alcoholic, manic-depressive, stepmother.They are messing with the greatest parents in the history of television by bringing in a love interest into the Sandy, Kirsten relationship. Dammit Schwartz, you're going to kill the Kandy. Consider your ass officially kicked.
Aww...screw it. You guys don't care. C.S.I punks. ;)

Giving Thanks For Barry Manilow

2004-11-28T18:17:00.000-08:00

I bet you're expecting me to write an extensive recap of my Thanksgiving. It consisted of me going to St. Louis, consuming coma-inducing amounts of triptofan and then doing my A.P homework. In short, it sucked hard. I did however see the new movie starring his Deppness...Finding Neverland. I laughed, I cried, I swooned over Depp. It was great.

I celebrated my homecoming by visiting Walmart, Mecca of the Midwest. Walmart, by the way has the most limited CD and shoe selection in the history of retail. While finding seven copies of *Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits may be a joyous occasion for some I would appreciate it if I could find more CDs I would actually listen to. I did, however, find a new pair of boots plus a new black, button down shirt. This made me happy. Yay for new, cheap, apparell at 'always low' prices.

* I did not actually find seven copies of Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits. It was merely an example I felt described Walmart music department's inconsistency of artist representation. I extend my sincerest appologies to any Barry Manilow fans offended by this post.

Shove It, Donald

2004-11-19T18:05:00.000-08:00

I'm pleased to hear that this blog is actually gaining readers! God bless you. I was starting to think you guys didn't enjoy my rambling.

After taking a long overdue and well deserved 'mental health day' I was jolted back into the real world with the realization that I still have $1000 left to raise for our senior trip to Florida (despite my lobbying for New York). And just to top off this perfect, first-day-of-menstrual cycle-esque day I was informed of my shortcomings by none other than the Donald Trump of our senior class...only with better hair and slightly more elitist. Oh you know who I'm talking about people. Anyway, I'm currently taking donations....or selling calendars for a low, low price of $6. Whichever you prefer.
I'm taking out my aggressions by dancing around mindlessly to "Kids In America" by The Muffs. Speaking of which...someone buy me the "Clueless" soundtrack. This one I borrowed from Stacy skips. Oh, and "America: The Book." Because Jon Stewart is dreamy. Oh yeah, I said it.

Also...a quick good luck to Anna with hope that she will snag the King of Nerdom come Monday. Seriously, he stole the title from Anthony Michael Hall in a science fair free-for-all. Which is absolutely wonderful. I love nerds and advocate adorkability everywhere.

Minkus Lives

2004-11-08T20:36:00.000-08:00

I'm currently reverting back to a simpler time in my life by watching Boy Meets World. I'm just realizing how much Mr. Feeny is exactly like my history teacher and how much I love that dorky kid, Minkus. Minkues is now, by the way, about ten years older and has a role on "One Tree Hill". Yeah, baby. I am a pop culture god.

My Not So Guilty Pleasure

2004-09-30T20:01:00.000-07:00

If you've ever really wanted to know what my life is like, it 11:00 p.m and I'm reading a message board for the O.C. Enough said.
Speaking of the O.C I have the soundtrack and it is FABULOUS. I listen to it when I'm feeling melodramatic. Also, Seth Cohen is my soulmate. Honestly, I will find a Seth Cohen of my very own. I don't care if I have to go to Cards and Comics. Or an X-Men convention.

Reasons I'm Not A Cool Teenager Part 1

2004-09-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

I didn't play with Barbies. Or any of those dolls that allow you to give them makeovers with play makeup or by cutting their hair. As a result, I'm a horribly offensive looking person who has suffered a series of bad haircuts. Probably because I have no skills in cosmetology.
I don't know where I was when other girls were playing with Barbies...most likely off watching the X-files. Ahh...Fox Mulder. sigh.

The Mirthmobile

2004-08-08T20:42:00.000-07:00

I have bought a car. Yes, boys and girls...I am now mobile. Its a red 1994 Cavalier. It looks very old school, and I like that. I was rather dejected by its lack of a CD player, however. Even a tape deck would make me happy...I would be the only student to drive to school to the sounds of Bob Dylan's Greatest hits vol. 2 on cassette. But, no. My car still rocks though. I call it the mirthmobile. And yes, I will play Bohemian Rhapsody and pantomime a drum solo like Wayne and Garth. And of course headbang at the appropriate parts.

In other news my good friend Anna has decided to author a book outlining why she hates men. I have agreed to write the forward and have instructed her to channel the Gloria Stienem from within. I swear we're not left wing radicals. We don't even listen to NPR...much. hee.

"We're Not Worthy!"

2004-08-08T01:07:00.000-07:00

I think Zoe Trope is awesome. Some of you may not be familiar with her sheer brilliance ...fools I say! Never fear...I'm here to enlighten you. www.zoe-trope.com

What Wouldn't Meatloaf Do For Love?

2004-08-07T22:39:00.000-07:00

I had originally intended on creating a web journal months ago. The truth is I just didn't know what to name it. In fact tonight it took me a full 30 minutes just to come up with this stinking heap of unoriginality. As an already indecisive person my skills at naming things are abominable. I pity my children, I really do. Sadly my original name, "What 'Meatloaf' Wouldn't Do For Love And Other Things I Still Don't Know" had too many characters, but I digress...

Anyway, because this is my first post I'd like to take a brief moment to share with you the obsessions I often indulge in...

Things that make me happy:

being a self proclaimed feminist supporter

filling my head with useless pop culture trivia

listening to 80's music

writing complete ridiculousness